I was placed on an 18 month waiting list for an Autism Assessment, but i was given a date for my first appointment a couple of weeks ago, which only made it 16 months. I was 40 at the time, im now 41.
It seemed such a long time to wait at the start, but then life happened and I got distracted, and before I knew it the time was almost up. All of a sudden I felt unprepared, despite the fact that I had written and rewritten lots of notes to refer too, but so far I haven’t even glanced at them.
I was so nervous about the first appointment, I didn’t know what to expect, so I was unable to prepare myself for it. For the two weeks between being given the appointment date and the appointment coming around, I was highly anxious and worried. But, you know what, these things rarely turn out as badly as you expect them too. You would think that I would know this, well I do know this, but it never stops the worrying and anxiety before an event. My mind creates a million different scenarios of what may happen and what could go wrong. I have a strong need to know what the outcome of appointments and events will be, but I have know way of knowing for this, I just have to have patience and have trust in the process.
I am trying not to have any expectations, just to go with the flow and hopefully end up with the answers I need. An explanation for the difficulties I experience and for the struggles with mental health.
Autism Assessment Appointment One
The appointment was via video call and was not as bad as I was expecting; although I remained nervous throughout the 1.5hr appointment, the clinical psychologist was friendly and explained everything in detail so I could understand the process, so it helped to reduce some of the anxiety I had.
To begin with she carried out a risk assessment by asking certain questions, and talking about both mental and physical health. Then we moved on to other things, I can’t remember the order of them now, but it covered areas like my family tree, sensory sensitivities, likes and dislikes, school and childhood. We also covered the therapies I have had – 5 rounds of CBT.
When I am anxious I struggle to remember everything, which I hate and it causes me to worry. I normally ask for an email, like meeting minutes, after important phone calls or appointments, so I don’t forget important information. But, I wasn’t sure if I could in this case, I am sure at the end it will all be written up in the report.
To begin with I was able to answer questions quite easily, but the more tired I became the more difficult it became to string an answer together, I am not sure if she noticed or not. I had already had trauma counselling in the morning, and the day before I had a dentist appointment, so towards the end of the assessment I become really tired.
I am the type of person that over-analyses and over-thinks everything; did I say the right thing? Did I sound stupid? Did I say to much or to little? Did I say the wrong thing?. Have I left anything out? As soon as the appointment was over it started.
At the end of the appointment we set a date for next week for the next part of the assessment. I spent some time afterwards photocopying my school reports from the last 3 years of school, as those are all I had, I posted them this morning in the hope they would get there before the next appointment. They should do.
Autism Assessment Appointment Two
My brain feels a bit frazzled after todays appointment, I can’t blame it all on the appointment though, I had trauma counselling this morning too. There was only 2.5 hrs between appointments, and although I fell to sleep for 20 minutes between appointments, I feel tired. Trauma counselling left me with a lot of realisations and gave me a lot to think about.
The assessment went well, although I felt a bit awkward and didn’t know how to answer some of the questions, or how to word the answers. It was mainly about routines and interests this session, I really had to think and recall memories from childhood. I was asked if when people make mistakes when saying a word or in what they are talking about, would I correct them and be annoyed by it. I remember doing this as a child, I would quite often correct my older sister and tell her when she was wrong, until one day her mother-in-law pointed out how rude and hurtful it was, and I tried not to do it to anyone again. But, being asked that made me think about how my daughter will correct me when I say the wrong word or pronounce it wrong, or when she thinks I am wrong about something. Oh my god, I now realise how annoying it is when you are corrected often, my sister (and others) were just to kind to tell me how frustrating it was.
A lot of things that I thought were down to anxiety or trauma can overlap with autism. What I mean is things I thought were down to Anxiety could actually be an Autism thing.
There were some questions that I understand, but I didn’t know how to explain my answer too, the thoughts didn’t transfer over into words. I think I was feeling tired at this point and I couldn’t think as quickly or process as quickly.
It was a shorter appointment this week, I think part of that was due to it not being worth starting the next area, social and communication, in the time left. So, another appointment was made for next week. After the next appointment she will make an appointment to talk to my mum, about my childhood and what the pregnancy was like.
I am now sat here feeling exhausted and can’t stop yawning, I normally try not to have more than one appointment a day, because I know how drained they leave me. Especially when I have to think a lot and use my brain. I am also otherthinking, thinking of things I should have said and didn’t, and things I did say and shouldn’t have.
One thing I realised today was that learning is a special interest of mine, I enjoy doing online courses about subjects I find interesting, such as mental health, caring for children, psychology etc. Another of my interests is photography, I love going out for walks with the camera, taking photos of the things I find. But, I don’t take one or two photos of it, I take loads at different angles and on different settings.
I don’t know if I will end up with a diagnosis or not, the trauma I experienced probably complicates things, I tried to work out what she was thinking but the truth is, I have no idea. The need to know the outcome is strong, but I will have to be patient and go through the whole process. I thought I knew what I wanted the outcome to be, but I am not sure I do anymore. I am hoping to get the answers to why I am the way I am, why I experience the difficulties I do, and why I have always felt that I was broken.
I thought I would write a blog post about the process I am going through, it helps me to process it better, not only that, but I had no idea what to expect and thought this may help someone else one day. I assume the process is the same for all adults, despite the differences in the presentation of Autism.
If I have any advice it would be to allow yourself plenty of time after the appointment to chill, because it can be exhausting. Also, try not to book other appointments for the same day.
to be continued……………….